this is a compilation of unmastered demos recorded from june 2019 thru december 2019. for anyone who follows my soundcloud, you'll be familiar with most of these tracks (aside from two which i've never uploaded anywhere before, Longing and Full Concentration Breathing). i think at least half of these tracks are decidedly 'darker' (ugh gag lol) and veer off into more experimental territory, only in isolated sections per song tho.

i had some of the most fulfilling and beautiful moments + developments of my life in 2019, and there were also some very harrowing and painful times as well. this feels like a good way to commemorate last year, flaws and all.

I think of this as a sort of companion piece to my first release
from last june, Some Sort of Paradise, due to the close proximity all the songs have to one another in terms of recording dates, and also general themes. the tracks aren't ordered chronologically, cause it made more sense to me find some coherence - with sound, pacing, theme, etc. etc. - as a unified release.

i felt a pretty big urge to upload this today, due in part to the fact that i can't spare the money to have these mastered for awhile since i was recently let go from a job i was at for 6.5 years of my life. the last song on this comp, 'Corridor of Dreams,' makes an explicit reference to the sort of emptiness that job left me with. i'm happy now to be able to recover myself and hopefully spend my time involved in more of what matters to me, though obviously that's rarely a possibility within our exceedingly fucked and ruthless capitalist paradigm.

i could have waited until later in the year to make this a more official album, but, something inside me felt right to put it out now. for this comp, i've made very very minimal changes/edits to these songs. even though it's unmastered, i feel fairly content with the production work on at least half of the songs here, especially tracks 6-10. the varying sounds levels between certain tracks is definitely the most glaring production Goof on this comp, at least to me. there was a distinct point last year when i made the switch from garageband to logic pro x, and you might be able to detect when that happened lol.

also, w/r/t putting this out now instead of down the line: i guess i wanted to enact self-acceptance by doing this? i spend so much of each day revolted at myself, how i look and feel and think and behave, that it made sense to try and practice self-compassion towards my own music, which is deeply important to my life. i also have spent the last 2 months questioning most of my creative work and the point behind it, questioning my worth on so many varying levels. maybe i'll learn to love myself more if i practice being kinder to myself, repeatedly, over and over and over again. this is imperfect, i'm imperfect, blah blah.

songs trace some similar things about childhood pain, race, mental illness, work, gender, loneliness.

'forbidden book' is about the horrible power of white supremacy to poison a family even after two people create four children together, even after spending over 30 years with a single person.

'rose funeral' is a tribute to one of my favorite movies ever, a Japanese film called 'Funeral Parade of Roses.'

'Strange Blue' is about when i was a kid and homeschooled and only got outside the house 2-4 hours a week, until i turned 16 or 17. some of that time was spent at a local highschool on sunday afternoons/early evenings when it would be deserted. we'd play basketball and run around the track and field. i internalized the idea of the apocalypse happening within my lifetime, not as hyperbole, but as something very possible, very tangible and very inevitable. even then, i felt such a lack of lose in my life, that i remember thinking often: 'before this world dies, i hope i find someone who loves me.'

all the lyrics are up for the rest of the tracks. if you want to know more, you can always message me. i wanted to say something more profound but couldn't think of it. all i know is, i think the words and sounds in my songs carry more of Me than what you'd see just from talking to me. hope you enjoy :heart: